Somewhere Between Me and Myself..

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Sometimes, I feel like me and myself are like water and fire.

There are moments when I can be calm, quiet, and completely fine. And then there are moments when something happens a situation, a person, a certain way of speaking, or even a small action and suddenly, something inside me changes.

I notice things.

Maybe things that seem completely normal to someone else. A tone of voice. A certain attitude. A small reaction. Something that doesn’t necessarily look wrong from the outside, but somehow doesn’t feel right to me.

I think I have always been very aware of things that don’t feel healthy for me. I notice them quickly, and sometimes I feel them more deeply than I expect.

And when I get upset, I can get really upset.

There are moments when my level of irritation gets so high that I don’t even feel comfortable being around myself. I become overwhelmed by everything I’m feeling, and sometimes, honestly, I become afraid of myself.

Not because I don’t know who I am.

Maybe it’s because I know myself too well in those moments.

I know that when I’m extremely angry or overwhelmed, I need space. So I isolate myself for a while. I step away from people. I become quiet. I let the feeling settle instead of letting it decide what I say or do.

It’s strange.

Sometimes I need to be alone because I don’t want to be alone with what I’m feeling.

But maybe that’s exactly why I need that space.

I don’t always need to fix the situation immediately. Sometimes I just need to lower the volume inside me.

To breathe.

To let the fire become smaller.

To give the water a chance to return.

Maybe being close to yourself doesn’t always mean understanding yourself perfectly. Maybe sometimes it means knowing when to step back from yourself, until you can meet yourself again somewhere in the middle.

Somewhere between the person who feels everything so intensely,

and the person who knows how to calm her down.

Somewhere between me and myself.